All Alone
by EchoResonance
Summary: I was suppose to protect you!


_**Just a random drabble. No spoilers, no real spot in the show other than, obviously, after season one. I'll apologize here for what I'm sure will be many abused and possibly shattered feels**_

You know…It's funny. In a sick, twisted sort of way, it really is. Most kids would give their right hands, to be demon hunters. They all want some sort of special, exciting life. But you and me, Sam. We have that life, and we never wanted it. True, I don't really mind, but you…You still didn't really want to do the things that we do. I knew you didn't, and part of me feels absolutely disgusting for dragging you back into that world when you'd just barely begun to live normally again. But that part of me is so goddamn small that I hate myself for it. My own little brother, stuck doing something that gets him hurt over and over again, and I still bring him along everywhere.

God, Sam, if there had been any chance at a normal life for you, I would've wished it for you at all costs. I honestly wish that you never had to know about all those terrible things out there. Call it big brother sentiment or whatever, but I really wish I could've kept you safe. Could've done _something_. Could've stopped…this.

Selfish really is a great word to describe me, though, since I couldn't let you live in peace at your stupid college. You and Dad were all I had. You two were the only people I needed, and as long as I had you, I would've broken down the doors of Hell itself with a smile on my face. Then Dad died, and you were all I had left in the world. Since I carried you out of your burning nursery, I had a feeling it would always end up like that, and I knew I would always, always need to protect you. To have you safe with me. Even though I knew that, even though I _knew_ all I had was you, and that I couldn't stand to lose you too, I just…I closed off. For a while, I tried to shut you out, because I didn't want you to see how much losing Dad had really hurt me. I was the big brother. I was supposed to be there for you. But the whole time, you were the one looking out for me, trying to take care of me, and that was unforgivable. What kind of pathetic older brother does that?

I'm so sorry, Sam. I was never there for you the way you needed me to be. Instead I let you try and take care of me, to coax me into admitting what was going on in my head, and I couldn't even say thanks for the concern. No, instead of thanking you, I hit you. I yelled at you, insulted you, told you to mind your own damn business. How in Hell's name could you have stuck around through all that? Better yet, _why_ would you stick around? I don't think I could've done it. But then, you were always stronger than me. At least in situations like that. You took all my abuse, verbal and physical, and you barely even flinched. You kept pushing, kept trying to get me to open up, like you wanted me to cry or some girly shit like that.

You weren't supposed to be my shoulder to cry on. I was supposed to be yours. You were supposed to be an emotional wreck, and I was supposed to be the calm and steady one telling you that it was going to be alright, that as long as we were still together, we could hunt down the son of a bitch that had killed both of our parents. And that was what I tried to do. But I got so caught up in my own head that I didn't even realize how badly I was coping. How much I was neglecting you, the little brother I was supposed to take care of.

You've been in danger since the moment you were born. I know that—I've known it for a while. I didn't think it mattered, because whether you'd been marked as someone special or not, I would've gone to any lengths to protect you, because you were my little brother, and I had carried you out of that burning house. But again and again I failed, and every time your injuries were worse. This…this was only a matter of time, I guess. I was bound to screw up again, just like always, but unlike _always_, there would be no turning this around.

It's my fault. I left you alone. I left you unprotected. I swore I'd never do that again, after that nasty thing had nearly taken your vitality while I went off to the arcade like an idiot, but I did it anyway. But this time, there was no Dad to run in at the last minute. There were no other hunters to help you. Your big brother was off doing his thing, alone, and left you behind.

Sammy, I would do anything to fix this. Anything at all to put all of this blood back in your body; to close those wounds; to bring you back to me. You have no idea how much it hurts, knowing that I can't, though. I can find the rituals, the spells; I can find everything I need. But I know that if I did that, you would never, ever forgive me. You can't leave me alone, though. I'm scared, Sam. I've never felt this scared before. This feeling inside me, like something's trying to claw its way out of my body, is like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm completely alone now, Sam, and it terrifies me. But then, I deserve it. I brought it on myself. Just one thing left to say, I guess.

I love you,


End file.
